Pursue of excellence… till i get too tired of trying.

Several amongst you have previously asked about the meaning of the tattoo in my back. Whenever I speak the literal meaning, I feel a “Warning!”-like shield coming between us both. Luckily, the listener quickly forgets about it.

It is difficult to explain in one word or sentence, so here is what I believe a perfect explanation for each of the dark ink aliquots carved in my skin.

Let’s get you all updated regarding my current job.

As some of you may already know, back in June my 6 months probation period got prolonged on the basis of me “not being up to speed for the PDSA needs”. My boss was happy with me (not even one single complication in any of my surgeries, no complaints from any of my colleagues or clients, not important mistakes on medical treatments… spotless job), however she was concerned of my “time management”: I was too slow for the PDSA.

You have to understand that I like to do things the right way. I am careful and thorough in my job (especially in life-threatening situations, as all surgeries and several treatments are…), I take my time to achieve the best practice I can offer, as I think my patients deserve it.  Yes, I am a slower than others, but only because I don’t like making avoidable mistakes. I am not that experience in clinical medicine yet and adding that up to my innate lack of confidence, I rather err on the side of caution. Therefore, and based in those facts, I should say that I don’t want to become quicker. I want to enjoy my job, each of the surgeries and each of the consultations and, last but not least, I want to be able to sleep at night.

Again, I assume my limitations; but I need the rest to do the same.

I asked an increased in surgery load, as I was barely getting any (I find it difficult to get quicker at it if I don’t practice, don’t you?). In return they offered me “to volunteer for surgery” (yes, volunteering in my own working place U_U ) and a slight 25% switch from consultations to surgery during one month.

Just before coming here I reached (just!) all the surgical times they set for me at the appraisal and achieved the 10 minutes consultation-time they had set (with an average of 9.7min (ridiculous, in my view)). However, my boss pointed out that the other vets do ten more consults a day than I do and that there is still some time that gets lost somewhere in between operations [managing nurses (yes, it may take a bit longer when you command in a nice way, but in my opinion the much better working environment you get pays off) and dealing with emergencies (it’s difficult to finish in time a full scheduled crammed-with-operations-day when you keep getting road traffic accidents, bleeding abdomens and geriatric cyanotic cats)].  She also said they want me to do weekends on my own, though I’ve been doing so since April. It is true that I had someone on the other side of the phone if needed, but I must also say they were the ones calling to check on me. When real emergencies came along, I dealt with them. I didn’t take the phone to make a call. Having said so, I will “shit a brick” whenever I have to deal with a GDV or a splenic rupture on my own.

Last week I got my Oct rota and you know the rest.

I wrote my boss asking if they were planning to fire me. She took 5 days to reply the following:

“I think the best thing would be for us to meet soon after you start back to work, perhaps after your first weekend on call, so we can talk through the objectives and where things stand”

Today I was telling to Conor all about it and he got all pissed off with them. His point of view is that they are playing with me and I should not let them do that. They most probably are looking for my replacement (if they haven’t find it yet and are just waiting for that other person to get everything ready to start) and are waiting for the best moment (for them, of course) to fire me. He’s convinced that they hired me bcs as a “recent” grad, they can pay less than to an experienced vet. I asked my boss that question a few months ago; she said they hired me bcs she liked me. But companies don’t hire for those reasons, do they? (Oh, Carmen, tus sabias palabras retumban en mis oidos!)

Watch your back, because this world is rotten.

And there, my friends, lays the meaning of that external representation of blackness I have tattooed on my back.

It makes my blood boil when people are not faithful to goodness, when they play games of treason, when events are manipulated in order to achieve selfish goals involving detriment of others. And that’s when I get mad: When they do it; when you do it; when I, myself, do it.

Leave it all behind.

Overcome temptation and be consequent with your acts. If you fail to do it: rebirth.

We are, at the end of the day, only human.

Conor wants me to push them to give me a clear answer. For me the answer has already been given. I told him that I am much more practical than proud, and don’t care if they are “using me to fill the gap” till they get another vet. However short it takes, it is still a job and it provides me a very needed salary.

Anyway, I’m looking for jobs in my own field. Rational thinking wants me to apply for small animal jobs (the time will come that I get a WL job, but the question is when I will get it), however, every time I check the panorama, something dies inside me. Just imagining moving into one of those little mini-shires lost in the middle of nowhere-England drains my spirit. My movements must be forwards, not parallel or backwards. And, most important of all, they must be directed opposite to depressive thoughts :).

To me, happiness is not overrated.