Several amongst you have previously asked about the
meaning of the tattoo in my back. Whenever I speak the literal meaning, I feel
a “Warning!”-like shield coming between us both. Luckily, the listener quickly
forgets about it.
It is difficult to explain in one word or sentence, so
here is what I believe a perfect explanation for each of the dark ink aliquots carved
in my skin.
Let’s get you all updated regarding my current job.
As some of you may already know, back in June my 6
months probation period got prolonged on the basis of me “not being up to speed
for the PDSA needs”. My boss was happy with me (not even one single
complication in any of my surgeries, no complaints from any of my colleagues or
clients, not important mistakes on medical treatments… spotless job), however
she was concerned of my “time management”: I was too slow for the PDSA.
You have to understand that I like to do things the
right way. I am careful and thorough in my job (especially in life-threatening
situations, as all surgeries and several treatments are…), I take my time to achieve
the best practice I can offer, as I think my patients deserve it. Yes, I am a slower than others, but only
because I don’t like making avoidable mistakes. I am not that experience in
clinical medicine yet and adding that up to my innate lack of confidence, I
rather err on the side of caution. Therefore, and based in those facts, I
should say that I don’t want to become quicker. I want to enjoy my job, each of
the surgeries and each of the consultations and, last but not least, I want to
be able to sleep at night.
Again, I assume my limitations; but I need the rest to
do the same.
I asked an increased in surgery load, as I was barely
getting any (I find it difficult to get quicker at it if I don’t practice,
don’t you?). In return they offered me “to volunteer for surgery” (yes, volunteering
in my own working place U_U ) and a slight 25% switch from consultations to
surgery during one month.
Just before coming here I reached (just!) all the
surgical times they set for me at the appraisal and achieved the 10 minutes consultation-time
they had set (with an average of 9.7min (ridiculous, in my view)). However, my
boss pointed out that the other vets do ten more consults a day than I do and that
there is still some time that gets lost somewhere in between operations [managing
nurses (yes, it may take a bit
longer when you command in a nice way, but in my opinion the much better
working environment you get pays off) and dealing with
emergencies (it’s difficult to finish
in time a full scheduled crammed-with-operations-day when you keep getting road
traffic accidents, bleeding abdomens and geriatric cyanotic cats)]. She also said they want me
to do weekends on my own, though I’ve been doing so since April. It is true
that I had someone on the other side of the phone if needed, but I must also say
they were the ones calling to check on me. When real emergencies came along, I
dealt with them. I didn’t take the phone to make a call. Having said so, I will “shit a brick” whenever I have to deal with a GDV
or a splenic rupture on my own.
Last week I got my Oct rota and you know the rest.
I wrote my boss asking if they were planning to fire
me. She took 5 days to reply the following:
“I think the best thing would be for us to meet soon after you
start back to work, perhaps after your first weekend on call, so we can talk
through the objectives and where things stand”
Today I was telling to Conor all about it and he got
all pissed off with them. His point of view is that they are playing with me
and I should not let them do that. They most probably are looking for my
replacement (if they haven’t find it yet and are just waiting for that other
person to get everything ready to start) and are waiting for the best moment
(for them, of course) to fire me. He’s convinced that they hired me bcs as a
“recent” grad, they can pay less than to an experienced vet. I asked my boss
that question a few months ago; she said they hired me bcs she liked me. But
companies don’t hire for those reasons, do they? (Oh, Carmen, tus sabias
palabras retumban en mis oidos!)
Watch your back, because
this world is rotten.
And there, my friends, lays the meaning of that
external representation of blackness I have tattooed on my back.
It makes my blood boil when people are not faithful to
goodness, when they play games of treason, when events are manipulated in order
to achieve selfish goals involving detriment of others. And that’s when I get
mad: When they do it; when you do it; when I, myself, do it.
Leave it all behind.
Overcome temptation and be consequent with your acts. If
you fail to do it: rebirth.
We are, at the end of the day, only human.
Conor wants me to push them to give me a clear answer.
For me the answer has already been given. I told him that I am much more
practical than proud, and don’t care if they are “using me to fill the gap”
till they get another vet. However short
it takes, it is still a job and it provides me a very needed salary.
Anyway, I’m looking for jobs in my own field. Rational
thinking wants me to apply for small animal jobs (the time will come that I get
a WL job, but the question is when I
will get it), however, every time I check the panorama, something dies inside
me. Just imagining moving into one of those little mini-shires lost in the
middle of nowhere-England drains my spirit. My movements must be forwards, not
parallel or backwards. And, most important of all, they must be directed
opposite to depressive thoughts :).
To me, happiness is not overrated.
